Relationship Communication

Question: What can I do to improve the communication between my husband and myself? We are so alike in so many ways, yet so different in other ways. Sometimes I feel we can’t discuss anything in our relationship without arguing. We just started marriage counseling, which I feel will help. I have grown spiritually so much in the past year, but he is the only one that can still push my buttons. I want to create a calmer environment for the baby we are trying to conceive. We truly love each other, but we just get stuck sometimes. We both are a little hard headed.

Answer: Hello, dear one! Thank you for your question.

Communication is very important between partners and is a skill that can be developed. And yet, often it is one of the most difficult things to do because we learn our patterns of communication as we grow up. We have patterns of that we develop within us in relationship to the way we respond with our parents and our siblings.

First of all, what the two of you can do is make a conscious effort to examine your communication patterns and see what you may be projecting onto each other. Are you communicating the way that you would with a parent? Are you communicating the way that you would with a sibling? Become aware of how you talk with one another.

Next, hold the other individual as able. In other words, instead of trying to convince them to do something that you want them to do, let to them what you wish, what you desire, and what you need. Then, hold them as able. Sometimes people will dig in their heels when they feel that they are being led into something that they are not quite ready to do. Do you see?

Hold others as able to create clarity, self-definition, and to know what is best for them.

When you try to control another individual, you are expressing that you feel insecure. Or perhaps you are expressing that you think you have to get the other person to do something to take care of a need that you cannot meet yourself.

The more that you hold yourself as able–continue to find ways to meet your needs, be whole, connect with the universe, and feel the abundance within you–then the less you will need to control the outer world.

Understand that Alana is not saying that you are controlling. Alana is illustrating where habits of attempting to control can begin, how they are reinforced, and how we can all step beyond these dilemmas.

Another wonderful tool for communicating is to schedule a weekly time when the two of you get together and brainstorm about what you would like to create in the coming week–things that you would like to accomplish. By becoming consciously aware of each other’s desires, you can avoid having to read each other’s minds. Do you know what I mean?

You can learn how to communicate more effectively. You can learn how to say what is on your mind. You can learn how to take care of your needs. Then, when you make requests of your partner, you can make them in such a way that you still hold them as able.

Hopefully, these thoughts have given you a few pointers. Learning to effectively communicate is a lifelong series of lessons. You can learn to practice being conscious each day. Most importantly, always remember to tune into your partner’s core and essential intentions, not just their learned behaviors. When you do this, you will realize that their actions and the things they do really stem from unconscious intentions that were first learned as an attempt to meet their needs. When you can get that, you will have a greater understanding of why they do the things they do. Then compassion, acceptance, and love will arise.

Thank you, dear one, for your question. It is very delightful. These few words just cover the very tip of what Alana would like to say. Perhaps in the future we will do some kind of a series on the subject of communication.

Thank you, dear one.

— Alana