"Try to find the person's deeper core intention you will find something for which you can have compassion."
Kirk: Alana, Jackson has a question.
Jackson: I want to try something out. When you were talking about finding compassion for a mass murderer, or someone’s behavior you find problematic, you said, “You don’t have to have compassion for the way they are seeking to meet their needs, but you can have compassion for their need.” I might not find compassion for a person’s actions, but I can find compassion for what their need is.
It’s the same process no matter what they are doing. It’s a matter of finding compassion for their need, rather than their action. Am I understanding what you’re saying?
Alana: Yes, when you try to find the person's deeper core intention you will find something for which you can have compassion. When you put this all in the cooker, it all boils down to love. When dealing with behavior that is destructive, finding the deeper core intention in another will point us back to our values and what is important to us and at the same time allow us to have compassion. Delightfully expressed, Jackson.
Kirk: And it may no longer be useful to divide the world up into good-bad and right-wrong. All there is is love, including mass murderers. That sounds very strange because it’s a habit to make love one side of a polarity: love-hate, love-indifference, love-selfishness, or love-fear. If we go to the seed intention, to the core of what is underneath the action of a mass murderer—what is underneath their outward actions— we will see somebody trying to meet their needs.
We will see a tragic, ineffective, illegal, unacceptable method for attempting to meet those needs. We will see a strategy that does not bring them the love they want and creates more pain in the world. It’s not okay with me that they meet their needs in that way. I am not going to support their violent attitudes or actions. If I’m on a jury and am convinced they are guilty of a crime, I will enter a guilty vote. And, I can still go to their core intention—the “seed thought” you mentioned, Alana—and find compassion for them.
Alana: OK, Alana can go home now. (Laughter)
Kirk: Not quite yet, Alana. We’re only on the second step! I wonder if you could “boil down” these concepts a little more? While some of us live our daily lives, we find ourselves bouncing back and forth between, “Do I love myself or do I love this other person? I feel like if I take care of this person, I will not be taking care of myself.” We find ourselves bouncing back and forth, wanting to be loving, but feeling selfish. Or we do what we think is loving, neglect ourselves, and then wonder why we burn ourselves out. Many of us spend a lot of time trying to become more loving to others by judging ourselves. Can you recommend a practical process that we can use to get out of these repetitive patterns?
Alana: Yes. Remember to always breathe. Don’t go swimming under water with only half a breath. First remember to always ask yourself, “How can this dilemma serve me?” Then ask yourself, “Am I holding the other person as able?”
Since we’re about to go on our lunch break, let’s play for a moment with a scenario of meal sharing. You are going to go have lunch with a friend. Let’s say that neither of you are very hungry and you decide to share one order of food. One of you wants to have a Caesar Salad. The other wants to have a Pasta Salad. So you now have a dilemma. You may feel like you must suppress your desire for the Caesar Salad so your friend can have what they want.
Now ask yourself, “How can I be in this co-creation and still get filled?” Next, go inside and ask, “Am I full already?” Now I know that your tummy is going to say, “No.” What I am referring to is being full like a rainbow, or All-That-Is, or God, or Goddess. Then connect with your center and ask yourself, “How important is it for me to have a Caesar Salad for lunch?”
After you ask yourself this, you may suddenly remember that you are going to go to another friend’s house for dinner this evening. Guess what? We could be leading up to some synchronicity. Perhaps a small miracle is in the making. It might be really fun to find out at your dinner invitation if they are going to serve a Caesar Salad. So now your inner dialogue may reply back to you, “Maybe a Pasta Salad might not be so bad.” Next do a double check to make sure you’re not suppressing yourself.
Now that you have checked in, you can reply to your partner with lightness and ask, “Do you really want to have a Pasta Salad?” And they will reply, “Not really. Let’s have Caesar instead!” Surprise! The universe is so fun!
Now what do you do? You think to yourself, “Oh dear, I’m going to friend’s house tonight. What if they have Caesar Salad? Oh no!” It will be fun to see if later on that evening you are served a Caesar Salad when dining at your friend’s house.
It is a dance, dear ones. It is an entertaining dance! The universe has a sense of humor, you know! You are now creating your life through having trust in the universe. You have trust that one way or another your needs will be met.
Kirk: Alana, here is an extreme, exaggerated scenario. There are only two food choices. I love one of them and hate the other. There is no way I’m going to eat this thing I can’t stand. Even smelling it makes me feel nauseated. There is only enough money to order one item. We are both starving. The other person has a rare medical condition that requires them to eat this disgusting food item or their life will be threatened. This is their last chance to eat. If they don’t order and have it for lunch, they may go into shock and die right before me. What do I do?
Alana: Oh, my! Well, the answer to this is easy. You look around to see if somebody around you has a credit card and wants to buy you lunch! You see, we forget how creative we can be in our lives. We get fixated on “this must be it” because we so often believe in the illusion that this is a limited universe.
Kirk: Thanks, Alana. That was a close one!