Dealing with Blame: How to Manage Anger


Question: I need help with my attitudes. Is there a technique I can use to facilitate change once I am upset or angry about something? I find it hard to get back into a peaceful place and managing my emotions is really hard. I get stuck in being right (and wronged). In addition, I usually get upset very quickly, before I see it coming. Blaming is a part of this pattern. It always looks like someone else's fault. My anger, and the attitudes I get are very unpleasant for me and for those around me, especially since I don't know how to change my state.

Answer: Dear one, thank you for your question. It is a question that I feel may help many people who are learning how to manage their emotional states, including their anger. It feels ultimately that your question centers on trust and stems from an old belief in separation.

Within the collective consciousness and within you, there is still a lingering belief that we are separate from the source. When going into your spiritual roots, I can feel much peace with your God. However, when I go within your nature and feel the way relationships have been throughout your life, I can feel that there is a desire to heal the sense of where you begin and another ends.

So dear one, I would first begin by allowing yourself to recognize that you have desires, you have needs, you have values, and you have a sense of what is right for you. Celebrate that. Celebrate the things that you feel are right and the things that you feel are wrong. These attributes are what define your identity and can point you to the beauty that is within.

Now once that you really understand your divinity and get that your sense of self wishes to be defined, you can begin to recognize that the way another may respond to you is pointing you towards recognizing what it is within them. Their actions are pointing toward their needs and their values. You will find that we exist in a very colorful world, one in which there are many different identities and expressions, and not all of them are compatible.

Now that you can get a sense that when another responds to you--perhaps in a way that is contrary or one that feels like you are separate or a victim--then you will get a sense that their response is really about them and not you. Their response can point you towards their needs and their desire to define their self and their identity.

We have created an understanding for you to distinguish what is you and what is them. What this will do is help you to heal your sense of separation and give you an understanding of your expectations. Just because someone with whom you are relating holds a different perspective than you, does not mean that you are without connection with that person.

The next aspect I wish to express is the desire to blame or the desire to react. Know that it is our nature to protect ourselves. It is human nature to hold what is sacred to us as important. Therefore, we respond with the tools that we have been given or the tools that we have learned. In other words, we respond with the tools that we now have.

Your question tells me that you have an awareness of how to expand your tool bag. You have a desire to learn how to respect and love yourself and still acknowledge that another has needs. You are learning that perhaps the way they respond is about their own nature. First of all, how one begins to learn how not to react or blame is to recognize that we are one. Secondly, go into yourself and ask what is it that you need. Then go into them and ask them what they need. Then recognize that as a pathway to peace.

Once you know what your need is and what their need is, you will know whether or not you can commingle your energies. There is no blame here. It is just that perhaps your differences are not meant to be he held in the same house, if you know what I mean. If this is so, then bless them. Say, "I bless you and I bless myself. So be it".

You have now created a pathway to peace for yourself by acknowledging your needs and by respecting the needs of another. You have gained a sense of knowingness that perhaps you're not meant to play together or that maybe you just do not share the same understanding.

If you find that you still wish to play together, then you may get a sense that you really wish to grow but there is a part of you that is choosing to get something right. Perhaps it is an area in which you hold a truth that no longer serves you. Then look within that truth and see what it is. Perhaps you will find that you desire to have a greater compassion or maybe you will find that you desire to let go of an old belief that you have outgrown. Respect that and say, "I still choose to play with this person and there is something within me that wishes to transform". Then go into yourself more deeply and ask what need of yours is there. You may find that you have a need for friendship with this person because you feel this person has many good qualities. As long as their qualities do not violate what keeps you well, safe, and within a sense of love, then all is well.

Perhaps this will give you some ideas on how to stay centered and grounded. You can continue to learn how to recognize when your reactions are coming from fear, the past, or the belief in separation. Remember always to go to the intention and you will find truth. Perhaps this will help you create an observor to your anger and the attitudes you develop so that you can manage and sense your emotional state bringing it to a place where you can find peace.

Thank you for your beautiful question.