Friend or Lover: Is He Right for Me?


Question: Dear Alana, I have been dating a fellow for about two and a half months. I am feeling more and more attached and am finding myself becoming a bit anxious. I'm realizing that my best friend has been in a relationship for almost three years and, while she seems very "together" and emotionally is definitely doing her work, her relationship has been dragging through muck and mire for most of its three years. I find myself wondering if I am healthy enough to know a good thing (or otherwise) when I'm in it. Is this a relationship that has potential? How do I know this?

Answer: As we grow and live life, we only know what we know. We only know what we have mastered, what we have become aware of, and what we have sensed. So, there are "knowings" on many different levels. We also know what we have been programmed to believe in. This question feels like you are wanting to become clear on what your knowing-ness is; what you know on various levels from your perceptions.

We have knowing-ness on many different levels. Why not have an intention to bring forth the knowingness that is "essential" for having your highest and best good? You can consciously ask to connect with your inner wisdom:

In this relationship with this man,

please connect me with my knowingness,

give me clarity on how this relationship relates to me,

help me identify how it aligns with my needs,

my deep core values and my individual nature

With a declaration like you you will begin to gather a deeper sense of knowingness on how compatible the two of you are. You will be able to discern his essential nature and how your core values relate. This will give you relationship guidance so that you may become clearer on how your two worlds would spin together.

Ask for this information to come in the way of a feeling within your body. Or, in the way of a knowingness in your heart. Perhaps a sensation will come when you are together. Then allow time to integrate your new knowledge through your senses. Allow time to be the tool to bring forth more information and essential knowledge so you can determine the path of this relationship and how it might fit with you. The trick is to be non attached to the outcome. To allow your greater senses to relate the information you asked for in the subtle ways that intuition and spiritual guidance works. If we are mentally attached, it is very difficult to receive knowledge.

When people come into our lives, we often place them in a category. We might say this relationship is going to be my soul mate or this relationship is going to be my partner. Perhaps this relationship is one I want as a friend or companion. This one is who I want to be a marry. Then if we jump to the future and everything within our power to try to push that relationship into one of the forms we have chosen it can create a lot of confusion in our lives. We have just blocked our potential to find our higher intention.

What is most exciting is when we bring forth essential knowledge, and then from that knowledge, we get a knowingness of where a person may fit within our life. Then we gently walk that path allowing their nature to reveal themselves to us.

Perhaps, a person is meant to be our best friends. Perhaps they are to be a soul mate. Maybe they are a mentor, or maybe we are to be their teacher. Do you see?

So, allow your knowingness and your intention to bring you a process for discovery revealing where they fit into your life. This is much better than choosing first where you wish them fit thus eliminating the beautiful dance of discovery. When you choose first, you may find yourself suppressing or denying an aspect of yourself as you attempt to make the shoe fit! When I use the metaphor of the shoe, I mean something you would fit them into or fit yourself into that you have already predetermined, even if you get sore toes!

You will know where the relationship fits into your life. You will just know as you move slowly and gather wisdom. With this knowledge you never waste time or make bad choices. You recognize how to truly relate and that is what a relationship is.

Thank you for this wonderful question. It is really very simple. Relax and discover and all relationships will become easier.

--Alana