Emotionally Unavailable: Let's Just Be Friends


Question: He said that we are just friends (we were together for twelve years). He always blames me when anything goes wrong between us, even if it is him, which it usually is. (And he knows that!) So I guess I need to end it completely and for good, because I want a commitment and one day a family. It is terribly hard to let go, though at times he has been abusive, dishonest, etc. I definitely could resonate with other girls about the "emotionally unavailable" man. How does one go about letting go of someone that they love so deeply and for so long, that they gave their all to? Just being friends is not all that I want, though it's a start. He has definite mixed signals going on, and that makes me real crazy. I don't think he is being honest with himself or me. He also has a tendency to be very hurtful. Please help, if you would. Thank you.

Answer: Hello, dear one. Thank you for bringing forth this question. It has many different thoughts to consider about the dynamics of relating and the nature of choosing a partner.

I also want to express that in your being I feel a great deal of compassion. There is a lot of heart and beauty within your being. When we have a compassionate nature, we often are able to find past experiences where we have had disappointments and have had times when our expectations have not been met. So the compassion can sometimes translate into sad feelings. This may lead us to a reservoir of feeling that is often stored within us. These feelings may bring up emotions that lead us to times in our life where we have been in relationships that have not brought to us our desired results. This energy then becomes a bridge into the present moment. Then the current circumstances create a struggle within us where it is hard to let go. Our mind then tries to reason and gain understanding about similarities of our current relationships compared to the past, which may be mostly unconscious. This creates a kind of cloudiness in our decision making process.

As Alana senses you, dear one, feeling your compassion and the awareness that has made up your responses, I sense your being trying to reason and figure things out. I feel you justifying why things have happened the way that they have, and this brings us to the little girl child within you; the one that feels that it was disappointed.

Your current relationship seems to have many different reminders of what it is like to not be fulfilled. So often part of the difficulty in letting go of something in the present, really has to do with feelings that are anchored in us from the past. Even when we are with an individual that we perhaps know in our hearts we are not meant to be with, it is difficult since we have yet to heal the similar dynamic patterns that remain with us.

Here are some ideas that you can turn toward; ones that you can embrace for they will help you:

First of all, make a decision to let go of the need to figure things out about your relating with this person.

Next, begin to turn some of the compassionate energy towards yourself. Have compassion for you and start identifying the things that you really do want in life. Give to yourself the similar kind of devotion and love that you enjoy giving to another; the kind of energies that makes you feel whole. Begin to give that same energy to yourself. That energy will begin to support self-discovery and self-commitment. In other words, if you want commitment in your life, you must first be capable of giving a commitment to yourself.

Next, be very honest with yourself about where you compromise. Yes, in life there are compromises. But what Alana is talking about is identifying where you settle for less than what you know will make you happy. Be very honest and committed to discovering what is important to you and what you want to realize in your future.

This action will rekindle the energy that you dissipate that thwarts and dilutes your personal power. You will be stoking the fire within, rather than extinguishing the outer flames. In turn this will keep you from attracting such confusion in your relating. If you take these actions, you will simplify and empower your life.

I also want to mention that I feel part of your dilemma is wondering, "What if this person wakes up, what if he changes, and what if he becomes what I are looking for in my life." Well, those are possibilities...and...there are many other possibilities.

As you strengthen your commitment to self, you will attract a partner that is even more compatible than if the person you are referring to in your question did "wake up and smell the roses." One thing that you can trust is that you will be you, and he will be him. You can trust that he will be who he is.

Now embrace your desire to have what you want in life. This simplification will support you in not attracting the unavailable, reserved, non-committable, confused type of male individual. You may draw to you a male who is growing and discerning, yes, but also one who has an open heart; one that desires to dance with a partner such as yourself.

So the message here, dear one, is to begin to take back some of your energy that you spend on trying to figure out this other person's motivations and what they may become in the future. Bring that energy into yourself and begin discerning, defining, and making a commitment towards the things that you want. By doing so, you can become a magnet for attracting what you do want, rather than giving the universe mixed signals and dissipating and scattering your manifestation potential.

Direct your energy into your heart. Define your desires and your wants. Be committed to yourself. Wait for time to bring you all that your heart desires.

Thank you, dear one, for bringing forth this question.

--Alana