Ex-Wives and Husbands


Question: I am so grateful to have discovered your web site and find the relationship advice you give is so very helpful.

In November, I will have been married three years. My husband is sixty years old, seventeen years my senior. We have a beautiful baby who is nineteen months old. Our daughter was born with Down Syndrome and has championed four surgeries. She is doing just great, thankfully! This child is my husband's sixth child.

I have had a situation since we first married where his ex-wife has been all around us. She moved to town and tried to make friends with me. She managed to upset me at every turn, to the point where I will not involve myself with her. My husband has ceased to take care of her Chiropractically or visit with her because of my discomfort. But I feel he is "just behaving" and that he "isn't getting to have his friendship like he wants." It's a strange feeling and I can't seem to get past it. She's too much in my consciousness, as though it's coming from him somehow. I feel this unresolved problem is not mine in some way. Because I feel a loss of self and spend unbelievable time and energy processing this whole mess, I want it all to stop. I do not trust her, even though I did try to be open originally. I do not like her. Through my husband I even hear her and see her and I don't understand why it is like this. I often feel a sense of separation from him because of this, even though he tells me he is acting out of a desire for my comfort. Thank you for your attention to my need.

Answer: Hello, dear one. Thank you for presenting your concerns to Alana. We shall spend some time discussing the different energies represented in your thoughts and questions.

First of all, let us talk a little bit about relationships. When you are in an exclusive relationship like a marriage, there is a commitment to that marriage. Holding the relationship in a very beautiful sacred space is a way of honoring the shared love. Alana senses that one of the reasons you are feeling out of balance may be due to the strain and invasive energy that stems from the presence of your partner's ex-wife. Therefore, I invite you to discuss in more depth with your husband how you are feeling. Often when energies are triangulated it can be disruptive to the deepening of intimacy. So you may wish to also include in your discussion different actions the two of you could take to create deeper levels of intimacy and sacredness in your relationship. The focus on this discussion is on the two of you, and not so much on her. This may really help release the confusion that you sense regarding his connection to her, as you sense how he explores this area of your relationship.

I also sense that you both have gone through a lot in the last couple of years. Certainly the issues surrounding the health and wellness of your beautiful baby being have been stressful. All of the energy, decisions, and complications that came up through the baby's birth and surgeries are not to be taken lightly, as they do take a toll and can create underlying stress.

You may on another level feel that you have had to hold it together and have had to be strong during the last few months. So perhaps what Alana is sensing is that you want deeper levels of support in your relationship. You may have both been tapping into your inner reserves to keep your spirits up and balanced. Distractions such as an ex-wife could add to this underlying stress. Since you do not have as much prior history with your husband's ex-wife, relating to her could be more disruptive to you than him. He likely has developed a learned behavior pattern regarding her. This may be some of the lingering energy you feel since your nature seems intuitive and perceptive. Her energy may feel like an elusive kind of energy that floats about and gets in your way. It may seem like it disrupts your ability to take action and deepen your current relationship. You may feel a bit powerless, especially if you feel or believe that you are the one who has to take charge in this area of your relationship. This may be another area for the two of you to openly explore.

If your husband has shared children with his ex-wife, then the care and responsibilities of their children are things that they will have to talk about, especially if there are children still living at home. But this can be done on a level that focuses on the issues of their children in a way that is comfortable for you both. If they do not share children, then it is easier to define the boundaries of their relationship.

I feel that you are wishing to know your relationship is sacred and that you are special to your partner. It seems you wish the deepening of intimacy and the ex-wife's presence makes you feel a bit powerless. As you disclose what you feel from your heart, he will have a better understanding of how you can meet each other half way.

When it comes to your own happiness and joy, continue to take responsibility for yourself. This will give you a greater sense of personal power in this situation. As you look at your baby being and shine much love towards your little one, also remember to shine an equal amount of love to yourself by practicing self-love. Taking this action will ignite a fullness in you, which will strengthen any aspects of your nature that may feel unnoticed, unsupported, or not cared for. There are so many types of insecurities that can come up when our sense of self is dependent on others, when we want others to define who we are.

Alana feels the essential elements in your question are about deepening the level of intimacy in your relationship. It seems your heart wants to create a rhythm in your partnership to support the healing of the stress around the birth and illness of your child. I feel you want to shine a flashlight on your relationship and deepen the love that exists there. By sharing your desires and commitment to your marriage with your husband, you may also help him disclose to you ways he can do the same.

Thank you, dear one, for this your question.

--Alana