Understanding Children's Temper Tantrums


Question: Alana, I feel very hopeful and also very sad to be writing this question. As the mother of a four year old girl I'm feeling that I am failing at my job; My job as her mother.

My little girl is going through a period of intense emotion right now and I don't seem to know how to deal with it. She is being very defiant in most everything that is asked of her and she has temper tantrums daily. At night is the worst, because she wakes up anywhere from midnight to 3:30 AM and yells for her father or I to come and fix her covers on her bed. If we don't come immediately she goes into a major tantrum. Sometimes lasting thirty minutes or so. We've talked to her about what is and isn't acceptable in the daytime hours. She has shown us that she can pull up or fix her own covers and is actually very proud and determined about it. She doesn't want us to even attempt to help her. Unfortunately, at night it's another story. She seems to have forgotten everything we've talked about.

I am at such a loss to understand what she is really wanting and why. I feel it definitely has to do with wanting to connect with us but pushing away at the same time for the need to be in control. I just need to find a way to be with this if this is what she is doing. I'm afraid of my anger and my intense feelings that are growing daily around her and I need to find a way back into my heart when all this happens. I know there are more details that I could have provided but I'm hoping that this will be enough. Thank you Alana, for any spiritual insights you might have.

Answer: Hello, dear one! In listening to your question I can feel your dilemma. You know, there are several different things occurring in this question, as you already get some sense. Recognize that children go through a crisis at a certain age. Sometimes it is four, sometimes it is five, and sometimes it is six. It depends on the child. This crisis is an awareness of moving from the innocence of the non-physical realm fully into the body. It is a transition time when children move into the world in a new way. There is some inner anger about this, because it is kind of like recognizing that you are mortal, that you have a body, and that there are boundaries. You see?

So, your little one is coming of this age and going through this transition. It engages the ego and is the beginning of developing and recognizing that one has an ego, and how to create as well. So, the desire to have control, the stubbornness that occurs, and the will being so strong occurs when the ego begins to be seated in the individual. This is an expression. If an individual is going to develop a strong character within them, and a confident sense of self, then often what occurs at this time is a little more severe.

If an individual is someone that is beginning to develop their ego from a more passive place, and is someone who is perhaps more open to other's opinions, they form their basic nature in a milder manner. In this case, the transition is not as noticeable. Alana feels that because your child is so strong willed during this time, you can be assured that she is going to develop a strong sense of self-definition.

Now, also, along with this transition, Alana feels that there is some mirroring going on here. What is occurring is your daughters vibration has some distinct similarities to your own. She is learning from the two of you about passive action and aggressive action. So, she will bounce between the two sometimes, demonstrating how to get attention, or how to displace her emotional confusion. Also, Alana senses the more you resist, the more she will resist. So, there is quite a mixture going on here of different vibrations.

One wonderful thing to note, dear one, is that this stage of development in a child does not last forever. It is something that transitions in about two to three months. This severity may not be as strong throughout the whole three months. She is becoming an individual in a new way.

What you might do to help yourself, is to imagine yourself at the same age. Ask yourself to identify with the beginning of your will, your ego, your nature, and your individual expression. Then feel this inside yourself as well. Perhaps it will build connection.

There is a shift going on in her physical body as well. This shift is releasing many left over memories, whether it be this life or other lives. Some of this has to do with being different or with not getting what she wanted. So, there is stored up anger about some of these memories that are being released. Keep reminding her of her specialness. Keep connecting with her as she learns and develops, continuing to keep the focus on building her confidence. This sometimes will make her stronger willed, but eventually it will soften her actions.

Hopefully, this has brought you a little understanding, and the main thing here is that this is the age, or time, of her coming into this transition. All else is brought into this expression, depending on what is spinning within herself and her environment.

Thank you, dear one, for this question. Alana hopes that it brings a little clairity to help you during this trying time.

--Alana